I don’t know if you’re familiar with a certain big-box warehouse store – hmm, let’s call it Wastco – but if not, make sure you don’t ever find out.
This store is insidious and evil incarnate in so many ways that I don’t have enough room in this column to describe them all.
To begin with, Wastco encourages the rumor that you can save a lot of money by shopping there. This is blatantly untrue. Because you always buy too much.
The only way you can save money at Wastco is by getting stuck behind one of those huge families that hogs the entire aisle, finally becoming so exhausted and frustrated that you’re forced to go home without buying anything.
Although I would be curious to know if anyone has ever left a Wastco store without buying anything. If you have, email and let me know how you did it. Magic wand? Blindfold? Psychedelic drugs?
See, Wastco stores are always the size of a football field, and the carts hold enough to feed the entire Slovenian army for a week, so you actually feel slightly guilty if you don’t buy enough to make the expedition worthwhile. Especially if you’ve circled the parking lot a few dozen times trying to find a space.
Inside Wastco, friendly, smiling employees in white paper hats give out free samples of food regularly as you peruse the aisles, and even stick them in front of your face as you walk by. This is tough if – like me – you’re perennially on a diet.
I bet many of you are under the impression that this is because they’re trying to sell the product being offered. But, no. Secret documents said to have been liberated from a safe inside Wastco headquarters actually reveal that the executives just want to make sure you have enough nourishment to keep pushing that immense shopping cart around.
They don’t want to make this obvious, so they disguise it as attempts to sell individual products like raisin-carrot wheat bran muffins, or vegan taquitos with spinach dip.
They have a bank set up in one…
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